I started this blog as chronicles of my journey in fitness, my journey to a half, and to transforming my life. Most days this last 20 days has been straight about what I am eating and my workouts...today I am going to change that up. I want to share from my heart, and maybe look at my heart a little as I blog this. This will be a more personal blog so if you are just looking for the fluff and stuff this one is not for you today....
I ask in one of my groups what you do when your motivation seems to have left the building...I got some responses, just kind of that get out there and do it, but today I don't feel it. I am tired and honestly depressed...I have found myself asking myself today, why am I doing this? Why do I run? Why do I want to lift? Why eat clean? Why why why???
I think I have spent most of my life involved in fitness somehow...I was competitive gymnast until an injury put me out as a teen, I was a swimmer as a college student, taught aerobics as a young adult, got into body building and believe it or not even competed once in an amature show locally, then I went to working out just for me, then I stopped for a long time. See, as a teen and an adult I was anorexic. Hospitalized many times for it. At my lowest I weighed 72 pounds at 5'5 and at my highest I have weighed 180 pounds. After competing as a body builder, I felt such a pull back to that starving mode that I had to stop...It took years before I got serious about fitness again. A couple of years ago I started toying with running, I was a little overweight, not bad, but like 20 pounds...It was great for a while, then I stopped due to lack of moral support. Last year, I decided I wanted to run again. I couldnt' really run a mile without walking breaks...today I can run 15.5 miles. I do use a run/walk/run pattern, but I am averaging 10 minutes or less per mile....so I call it running! I started eating clean to drop a few pounds, and just be healthy over all....yet I seem to struggle with eating enough when I eat clean...I don't know how to explain this...I know the just eat, but it is more complicated than that and when you feel alone doing it, it seems impossible.
I started lifting again a month ago and I love it...maybe even as much as running, not sure where I go from here. I know that my heart is in health and fitness, I don't want to travel a road already travel and I don't want to quit, I just have to figure out how to move beyond what I am feeling today and where to find that get up and go that seems to have gotten up and went.
I wish there was the accountability here, in real life...I think groups and web pages are great for inspiration...but really they are about hearing how good you are doing...not when you are struggling, or when you feel alone in your journey...they are about cheering you on in your accomplishments and your being there to cheer everyone else along...it is a great place to be when you are on your A game, but not so sure about the off days....
My dream is to run a full marathon...I have half coming up in 3 weeks and beyond that I don't know what I will do. A full seems very daunting to take on...it is a dream none the less...next to that is a dream to transform my body with weights as I have seen so many in my groups do, but I know I have to figure out the nutrition to make that happen...
So no feel good message today...just sharing my heart and where I am....
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